Heart Break

"You cannot construct a life, in which your heart will not be broken." - David Whyte.

What a consolation that was for me when I first heard this. It gave me refuge into the loving of my heart, which had been broken open when my son had open brain surgery at 11 months old. Back then I was pregnant with my second child, my daughter, and then and there I decided from a deep knowing within to stop playing music and pursuing my career. I never knew why I did that. Until I heard that quote. I suddenly realized that during my son's Cranio Synostosis and its healing I was not able to hold any more heart break and any more pain than the pain of my child. I was not able to hold more vulnerability and strength within to go out and play the violin, perform or play in a studio. The openness of the heart it takes to do so seemed completely impossible to me. All I could do was hold the love and the pain for this child and the child, which was growing inside of me. 

Now I know, on the 18th Birthday of my beautiful son, that all this was heavenly guided. I spent my years loving and nurturing our hearts and expanding the ability to hold heart break in a different way. And I found it in the beauty of life and the strength of my inner lioness who roars: 'I may die on this shore, yet before I will feel fully.' Now I can stand in my full awareness of fear and pain and my heart being broken and move on with strong strides anyway. And then, and only then, awaken the Love that is me.