A letter to me.

A letter to me.  - January 23, 2017

 

In the tube today, I made a mistake. 

I looked. 

Instantly, I had to get out. 

Once I was aware of the smallness, I needed to get out of it. 

I was rolled out. I was granted a moment to breathe. 

I closed my eyes and went back in. 

I did not open my eyes. 

Although I almost wanted to. Yet. only. almost. 

 

I was in there for almost an hour. 

An hour of alarming sounds. A voice speaking to me through headphones. Weighted plates on my chest and abdomen. And IV in my arm. 

My eyes closed. 

Breathing as instructed. 

Attempting to catch my breath after a long hold. 

In a small space. 

Which I had to make the size it needed to be. 

In. my. head. 

Because it needed to be big. 

 

Only in my head could I control my environment. And my breath. And my wellbeing. 

I could not control it in the outer. 

The outer was what it was. 

Loud. Small. Scary. Helpless. Out of my control. 

 

I went to so many places of helplessness in my past. 

My daughter’s fear. 

My son’s surgery. 

My broken leg. 

My heart attack. 

My friend’s cancer. 

My dad’s Parkinson’s. 

My Mom’s heart. 

My breast surgery. 

My future surgery. 

My pancreas. 

My fear. 

 

I attempted to breathe it out. To let it go. 

Yet then I could not breathe at all. Had to hold. Non resistance, I said to myself. So I saw trees in my inner eyes. I heard birds where the high pitched sounds beeped. I felt the rumble of a rollercoaster when the alarming deep sounds and shakes of the machine startled me. And God... I trusted. 

I trusted the person in my headset.

I forgot his name. 

And the panic balloon in my left hand. 

I wish I could transport away. 

Beam me up Scotty. 

Where is he when we need him? 

I guess in my head. And my heart. I always loved that idea. 

And I guess i did beam myself up. Into a different world, a place of more peace and calm. If it is true that one needs to root before one can go up higher into the sky, just as flowers do and those huge oak trees, that seem to have built a whole system of roots, then I went through a great rooting today. The darkness of the lower earthy planes of where I place my feet and where my memories are felt scary and threatening. All those memories of loss and pain, of hurt and fear. I was rooted deep, I hope. So I can go higher up and love and enjoy this world even more. 

I have seen this with some old people. When they have gone through so much, much more than I could ever imagine. Those elder wisdom holders seem to have a greater sense of humor, an equanimity that seems undisturbed by ‘small’ human upset. Those elder have a sense of calm that is resilient against attacks of the common kind. 

Especially those older people who have lived through a war. They seem to really know what life’s priorities are. Most of them say dance and sing, family and friends, good food and drink and simplicity. 

I heard about a study of happiness and contentment. This 75 year long Harvard study showed that what makes people truly joyful, deeply content and happy is relationship. 

Yes. Relationship. 

Community with others. 

Communion with the world in a way. 

I guess once someone has lived through adversity, through death, through pain and suffering, what tends to be left in those people who have sorted it out, is pure joy. 

I have also met some who were just simply bitter and distraught. They seemed to have lost hope of a better life, of a bluer sky and a more beautiful next day. They seem to linger in a place of constant pain and suffering as they seem to deny the actual way things are. And in that acceptance, life could be so much better.

Today, I was able to say: Yes, I do have cysts. Yes, I am here. Yes, I feel crappy. And yes, so it is. And then all I could do was hope. Hope for a better day. For bluer skies. For less pain. And more joy.

Maybe the pain today will teach me the joy in a pain free tomorrow. 

Maybe the upset today will teach me of peace tomorrow. 

Maybe the resentment of how ‘it is’ will teach me about the acceptance of what is tomorrow. 

I hope so.

Monkey Mind - The fear of our minds can drive us crazy

Some days, it seems that my mind and all those wild thoughts are running my life. I do not seem in charge at all. How can that happen? My mind is a part of me and here I am, seemingly helpless. And when I slow down and attempt to get out of the busy-ness of life, it gets stronger and frightens me with images of darkness and distress. 

    Is that normal? Or is that just my mind? I often wonder whether it is something that is wrong with me, something I have attracted, something that is punishing me or simply just my incapable way of living my life. 

    There is nothing wrong with me or you. We are all afraid of our minds. We all have a steady way of believing that the mind is all powerful and leads us to success and achievement. And to a degree that is true. It is the tool for us to think and speak, to communicate and do the things we wish to do. It is the host of the brain, which controls our bodily functions, it makes us walk, talk, feel and open our eyes in the morning. 

    Yet it is also a tool which can be in service to something entirely different. To our heart. And our soul. If paid attention to, the mind can be an amazing ally on our quest for a balance between all the different experiences in life. The mind is so powerful, it canchange the frequency of our wellbeing with just one thought. It can make us instantly devastated with one thought. It can elevate our ‘state of mind’ to a high that is ecstatic with just one thought. 

    That is the power we all know. We have all had experiences with this, even if we might not remember those clearly. And that mind can support us on our quest for wellbeing, success and love if we learn to harness its power. 

    Meditation and stillness is the tool. Balance, strength and love is the reward. For this, I enlist the powers of guided meditations. There are plenty of those on Amazon and through Audible or through Hayhouse Publishing. Try them. They will easily guide you, so you may not feel lost or anxious or restless. They are great tools to step into your true strength, natural upliftment and success in your life. 

    Love to you all. 

Every day a mini life lived

All of society is afraid of death, or as David Whyte calls it ‘The great disappearance’. We do no wish to speak of it, it gives us chills, we hate it or we just deny the reality of it. We fear it is painful, and sad and lonely. And we know that it can be. 

Every day is like a mini life. It starts by waking up in the morning, when we sometimes have to ask ourselves: Who am I and what is my name? Sometimes we jump right out of bed and are ready for adventures, and some mornings we do not wish to face anything in this world. Yet, we do get up and we continue the journey of seeking who we can become and what we wish to experience. We seek love and joy, a purpose and a meaning. And with us into the day comes the promise of the end. Just as our birth carried the knowledge of our death.

At night we release our bodies and minds into the unconsciousness of the dark sleep. We might have some fear about the darkness ofthe lonely shadows. We might wake up during the night and toss and turn, fearing all kinds of scenarios in our own lives as well as the lives of our children, our husband, our mother or father or sister or brother. We can have night sweats because of the unknown darkness, which shows all facets of negativity and ultimately a taste of the great hole of disappearance.

Every night is a little death, as each time inside the shadows of being and becoming, we have to let go and let God. The only thing we can do is to either surrender and accept and go through this feeling of frustration, fear and sometimes terror, or surrender and accept and meditate. In this great search for peace and quiet, lies one of the greatest opportunities for us. 

I propose that we get used to the silence within and around us right now. Let us determine that we are love and light, and we can observe our fears, accept them and move towards greater peace. Let us find ways to alleviate the fear at the end of our day. Think about what would soothe you and have it readily available by your bedside. It could be calming music, a guided meditation, a hot calming tea, a prayer or a journal entry. Follow your heart. You know what to do. In the morning’s gratitude lies the greatest freedom we can ever find. 

 

A drop of water, you are worth nothing and Pachamama

In Peruvian Quechuan culture the belief is that we all come from Pachamama (mother Earth) and Father Apu (father of the Mountains). The belief that a higher and much bigger power, a source from which energy runs and which can determine our lives through changes in nature, in rain fall, in sunshine, in storms and floods, in thunder and lightning has meant a tremendous amount of spiritual existence within indigenous cultures. The idea that we were given life has the power to take away from the necessity to be 'something', to strive for something in the outer world existence that we might not be, and it can give the state of beingness a humility and simplicity that is healing in itself. We are all left with a great deal of responsibility and possibility to execute our beingness in our lives and in this world in a way that is decent and filled with loving. However, the basic thought that Pachamama and Apu gives us life brings with it a reverence that creates a loving connection to one another. Instead of separation, which we create within us at the exact moment we judge another as ‘less than’ or ‘more than’ ourselves, we can create the connectedness which is represented in nature as every single drop in the ocean. No drop is judged as being ugly or wrong, and every drop in its small beauty creates an ocean of connected magic. We together can create that ocean as individual bodies representing a whole of humanity. In that knowing of us all being drops placed here to be a part of humanity and a part of existence, we can define our own beautiful droplet as innately gorgeous and filled with wonder and miracles. We would never say: ‘Oh, you’re just a drop of water, you are worth nothing, look at what weird shapes and colors you make. I don’t like you. You are just not enough.’ No, we adore drops of water on our windshields, our windows, on the leaves outside and the morning mist of mysterious promise, when the beauty is sometimes almost too much to bear. The beauty of a single drop is breathtakingAnd so are we. We are breathtaking. We are divine. We are a part of this whole magical world, letting us all know that we are beauty-full and wonder-full. 

It is so unfair, I am crying

I have been crying for a while now. It seems to cleanse my heart and mind, and I feel a little lighter. 

A while back my husband composed a beautiful title music for a new show. His music was edgy and phenomenal. The producers and execs did not give him the job, yet had the score composer work on the title as well. When we saw the show on TV and heard the music, my husband sobbed. It was almost exactly his music! It was such a sad day. And to top it all off, the composer won an Emmy for the music. For my husband's music. He had simply copied it.

Today, this is all coming back. After my roses were dug up and stolen from my front yard, my bicycle was stolen from my driveway, my credit card  information was stolen again and all advertisement seems to lie all the time, I have had it. I am so very sad about the state of the world and my world. I am crying today for all those lies and deceits we all suffer daily. My tears are for my husband, who is working with such loving passion, and who is a beautiful and kind human being, and still the world is unfair. 

What is it that we must do to get the fairness we all deserve? I guess, keeping on living, crying, mourning and grieving all that we have lost, all that was stolen. And moving forward in the knowing that we are love and we can choose that love to stream through us every moment. It seems to me that this is the only way to elevate, forgive and feel peace. And then, to accept what is occurring and loving myself through it is where it all starts. That might not be the easiest way and it might not bring fairness right now, yet That is what I can do in this moment and hopefully plant the seed for future generations. And that is what I choose to do and be.

So, here we go: I am forgiveness, I am love, I am peace, I am strong, I am acceptance, I am peace. 

I love you my friends and I vow today to honor you always.

On a sunny and crisp day in the Swiss Alps it happened

On a sunny, crisp and clear day in the Swiss Alps, I had a heart attack. As you can imagine, the shock and the surprise was tremendous, as my whole family watched me being transported off to the nearby Cardio Centro. 

Through my recovery, I had to dig deep through layers of fear and doubt, and come to terms with what I found to be a chain of challenging events I had called forward into my life. I realized that growing up in Germany with a very dominant father, the pain of defeating my most inner heart wishes of being a songwriter and becoming a Violinist, manifesting a Thyroid disorder, moving to the United States, starting a new life in a different language, finding photography, studying energy work and working for my Masters Degree in Spiritual Psychology, giving birth to my son with Cranio Synostosis and many surgeries later, and then the scare of my heart attack, that all these links in the chain are not even chain links. They are a beautifully strung chain of pearls with wisdom and experience abound. All of it is my safety net I have formed as a base for my life. I know now that I can choose to just dangle from the net, not realizing its strength, and be swished back and forth in the wind, or I can sit and stand firmly on this net, which makes me so powerfully who I am. 

I choose the latter. I wonder what you will do today. 

Heart Break

"You cannot construct a life, in which your heart will not be broken." - David Whyte.

What a consolation that was for me when I first heard this. It gave me refuge into the loving of my heart, which had been broken open when my son had open brain surgery at 11 months old. Back then I was pregnant with my second child, my daughter, and then and there I decided from a deep knowing within to stop playing music and pursuing my career. I never knew why I did that. Until I heard that quote. I suddenly realized that during my son's Cranio Synostosis and its healing I was not able to hold any more heart break and any more pain than the pain of my child. I was not able to hold more vulnerability and strength within to go out and play the violin, perform or play in a studio. The openness of the heart it takes to do so seemed completely impossible to me. All I could do was hold the love and the pain for this child and the child, which was growing inside of me. 

Now I know, on the 18th Birthday of my beautiful son, that all this was heavenly guided. I spent my years loving and nurturing our hearts and expanding the ability to hold heart break in a different way. And I found it in the beauty of life and the strength of my inner lioness who roars: 'I may die on this shore, yet before I will feel fully.' Now I can stand in my full awareness of fear and pain and my heart being broken and move on with strong strides anyway. And then, and only then, awaken the Love that is me. 

Reflections bring us closer to us

When I was a little girl, big eyed and innocent and adventurous, I remember being in love with the world, with myself, with possibility. Every cherry tree to climb was a mountain to conquer, every night of sleep was rest from the depth of imagination and the physical exhaustion of all the tasks this warrior princess needed to complete in a day. She needed to build a treehouse... excuse me, castle of course, she needed to ride like the wind on her wooden horse and make delicious mud food in her very rough castle kitchen. 

What could ever go wrong? Absolutely nothing. After all, falling down and picking herself up was part of life, part of how she learned to walk, part of reaching those highs on the tree. She was fierce. And I lost her for a while. I became afraid. 

When I was in the hospital not too long ago, I found her again. I found this free spirit, uncompromised by outer experience, fully alive through adversity and courageous in her willingness to find the path less traveled. There she was inside of me, leading the way out of suffering into love. Through joy about everything and every one around me, she showed me caring for others, caring for the world and loving deeply while I was in my hospital bed. She led me away from self pity and pain into the healing light of loving everyone else, asking everyone how they are doing, holding light for others' healing and wellbeing. I found the strength in every cell of my body to be me. 'What I do is me: for hat I came.' - 'As Kingfishers catch fire' by Hopkins. 

In awe I look over the trees and mountains and say: I am alive. 

Thank you. 

A mask from authenticity, and authenticity from the mask

 

Being thrust onto the stage as a little girl in Germany, I was terrified of the people watching me sing and play guitar. Over time, I developed an intricate persona, a mask, which came with me onto the stage and represented me as I was not able to ‘simply be myself’ (which might be one of the hardest thing one could ever ask someone to be in such a situation). 

    The mask was a wonderful one. It kept me safe and I felt good with it. Yet at the same time, it never felt completely like me. It felt like a fragment of my imagination and therefore of me, yet a part was also missing. That authentic, loving part is stronger now, and it is calling out: ‘Be you... unapologetically you’. It says: ‘You have known me and felt so comfortable with me, yet you do not anymore. Be and live your authenticity more vividly right now.’ In this moment, the issue and the solution, the mask and the true Self become one, intertwined and loving each other in the dance of all these little bubbles of me coming together as an ocean, and I realize this wave and breath within me, from which I move and sway forward into the rest of my life. 

'What I do is me: for that I came'. - by Gerard Manley Hopkins

Fully Alive

In the deep silence of my inner room, I find the corners of old storage and the big windows of endless possibility. I can look through the window out into the world and see all that is there for me to experience, and I feel a thrill a joy and a force which propels me towards the door as it whispers: ‘Go. Make a path. Find a new way.’ I turn and I start to walk, and in that instance I see the corner of failure, one space with the record of regret. I see the familiar pictures and sense the familiar sadness, and I stop for a moment. Just long enough to let their cool, dark energy seep into me and find their way into my mind. 

    ‘No’, my inner critic says, ‘you cannot do that. It is too dangerous, too scary, and you will fail.’ I can feel one of my knees bend and lead the way to the floor, as I realize that indeed, my past is too heavy, I have certainly learned too much to be able to do this new thing and love it so much that all fear will carry me through that door. I feel my second knee waver, I feel the painful places where I hold my disappointments and regrets. 

    With an instance of remembering, I jump up and realize: THAT is not who I am. That is what I have experienced, yet it is not me.  I am so much more. I am that open field of possibility. I am that strong voice within saying: you love it, so step towards it. I am that loving heart that loves myself enough to let it go. With all my strength I move my feet forward, one step at a time, and walk right passed my corners of grief into the light. My legs now can carry me anywhere, and I know that I am fully alive. 

I thought a thought

I had this thought. What if a thought was just a little beam of lightning running through my head, creating a feeling tone within me, which can reach excruciating levels, it might even go into my body and form a complete dis-ease and then .... it simply goes away? And what I am left with is unimaginable amounts of pain... A residue from something I seemingly do not do voluntarily. Or do I? Are thoughts maybe left over messages from past experiences that haunt me? They might haunt me so I can change. So I may shift. So I may not think them again. 

And how do I do that? How do I not think those harmful thoughts anymore? I guess by catching them in the act, by shining a light on them and saying: 'Thought, get out of my head now!' 

Because in truth, that which we are is this: The most beautiful, sparkly fireworks one can imagine, with self motivation drive and glorious sparkle, with different colors and all kinds of shapes. We are joy. We are beauty. We are love.